If You've Failed at Listening - Here's Why
No leader can work in isolation. Whether you lead remotely, face to face, or a combination of both; the key to high productivity begins with one essential skill. And it’s not listening. It’s curiosity.
Why Curiosity?
Curiosity is the foundation of successful relationships
Successful relationships infuse work with energy, meaning, and purpose
Energy, meaning, and purpose flow from curiosity
How Do Leaders Lead?
Productive relationships are dependent on the give and take of open communication. Leaders influence others by how they engage, speak and listen. It’s often the listening part of that sentence that causes challenges.
I don’t espouse the typical advice to “listen-to-understand.” Listening-to-understand can sometimes result in being perceived as not understanding.
What? Don’t Listen? Is She Crazy?
You might be thinking, “That’s heresy! How can she say such a thing?” Advising against listening-to-understand likely contradicts every leadership training you’ve had, or coaching advice you’ve received. I’ve led some of those trainings or coaching sessions, myself. After 20+ years and thousands of clients, I’ve found this approach doesn’t work for many. Leaders will try very, very, hard to practice listening and they may be successful in the short term. But it doesn’t stick.
Here’s the Problem.
As a leader, you’re a problem solver. You’re about moving people to action. You’re about making decisions and overcoming challenges. So when you’re in “listening” mode, your brain automatically goes to work to understand the problem so it can fix the problem. Subconsciously, your brain is already predicting your response because that’s what brains do. Telling yourself to listen-to-understand is redundant from your brain's point of view.
As hard as you try to put down your phone, make eye contact, and really, really, listen…inside your mind you’re already connecting dots, making comparisons to past experiences, forming opinions, and your response. Why does this happen?
Your Brain is a Prediction Machine.
All-day, every day, your brain is scanning the environment and taking in data so it can figure out what to do next. Daniel Kahneman calls this System 1 thinking. When you tell yourself to listen-to-understand…neurologically speaking, you’re directing your brain to perceive, think about, and make sense of what you’re hearing. All great things for solving problems. But not so great when you're trying to form a meaningful connection and communicate so the person feels heard and understood.
Science!
The latest in neuroscience reveals that the human brain isn’t made to think. Crazy, right? It’s made to predict. When faced with a person, a problem (or a person with a problem!) your brain immediately starts searching memories, past experiences, other peoples’ experiences you know about, relationships, books, movies, biases, feelings, perceptions, presumptions, successes, failures, tastes, smells. Basically, everything you’ve encountered from birth up to this very moment.
When you focus on “listening-to-understand” you’re directing your brain to do what it does best. Predict and Act. Your brain will ask and answer a series of questions, “When is the last time I encountered something like this? How did I feel? What did I notice? What did I do? Ah-ha! I understand what’s happening here. Now act! Advise and solve!
All of these neurological responses happen beneath your conscious awareness. This is why trying to “understand” someone can send us down the wrong path. Psychological research reveals that humans form judgments in a tenth of a second. Decisions and conclusions are reached in about a second as the brain “understands and makes sense” based on internal associations, memories, and experiences.
This is Where Curiosity Comes In.
Psychologists have found that listening with curiosity can lead to real interest. We can develop new insight when we pursue curiosity and allow for uncertainty. Curiosity can halt the brain from pre-maturely forming conclusions. Uncertainty makes us question what we think we know and reframe how we see the person or problem. As Adam Grant emphasizes in his book, Think Again: the power of knowing what you don’t know, “Uncertainly primes us to ask questions and absorb new ideas.”
Together, curiosity and uncertainty bring our problem-solving minds into the present moment. When we listen with curiosity, we listen for novelty, listen to discover, and listen to learn.
How to Listen with Curiosity.
Curiosity precedes empathy. We sometimes resist showing empathy, because we can’t relate, don’t agree, and don’t understand.
When you think “I should be understanding and show some empathy…but I really don’t agree with this person,” practice curiosity, instead. Why does this person think and feel as they do? What’s motivating their reaction? What don’t I know? What could I be missing? Am I listening for novelty or jumping to a conclusion?
Practice asking open-ended questions to learn more and challenge your thinking. Use questions that begin with How, What, Where, When, and Tell Me More. You can even start a question by saying “This is just my curiosity…how often has this been happening?”
Empathy comes naturally when we approach others with genuine curiosity. To be empathic is to listen without problem-solving. Empathy doesn’t require understanding or agreement. To empathize is to listen without judgment. Simply acknowledge what the person has shared, and the feelings they’ve expressed, whether you agree or not.
You do this by voicing their point of view. Research shows listening with curiosity and empathy makes people less anxious and defensive. When we employ curiosity, we can pause the System 1 brain from predicting and reacting. Paul Ekman is a noted emotion researcher. He found that people who are curious and open to new experiences are more skilled at reading and adjusting to the shifting emotions of others.
Listen to Connect.
Shifting your intention from listening-to-understand to listening-to-connect can reframe the act of listening from problem-solving to trust-building.
Curious to Know More?
Agile Communications is a leadership mastermind that will help you pause, re-frame your thinking, and practice communication with curiosity resulting in connection. Registration closes June 11th for our June 30th mastermind. Seats are limited to 6 participants, so don’t wait! See the full 2021 Agile Communications Mastermind Schedule and learn more here.