Your Mother Was Wrong – Why Talking to Strangers Makes You Happy

Seinfeld fans may remember the episode when Elaine, who’s using her company’s car service, pretends to have hearing problems because she’s tired of making small talk with the drivers. Or, imagine you’re waiting for an elevator. As the doors open and you step in, you realize one other person is already in the elevator. *Do you:

A.    Immediately begin looking at your phone.

B.    Turn up the volume on your earbuds (you planned ahead for just this moment!) and look away.

C.   Smile politely while making brief eye contact. Then stare at the elevator buttons.

D.   Engage in small chit-chat. 

Here’s the thing – when we act like Elaine, we’re missing a frequent and consistent opportunity to raise our level of happiness and well-being. Those who answered “D” to the elevator quiz are likely to be happier than those who chose A or B (more an option C later). 

There is an insurmountable amount of scientific evidence that the one thing you can do in your life to increase your level of happiness – is forge meaningful relationships. Supportive, loving, nurturing relationships lead to greater health, happiness and career success. These relationships could be loving partners, close friends and even pets. 

But what about our daily, inconsequential run-ins with strangers? The bus driver, the barista, the check-out clerk in the grocery store? Turns out random interactions with the daily cornucopia of strangers we meet can have an immediate, positive effect on our daily emotional well-being and happiness. These weak social ties are not inconsequential when it comes to happiness. Engaging in brief conversations with the toll-booth worker or pizza delivery person make us feel happier and result in feelings of belonging. 

University of British Columbia researchers Dunn and Sandstrom discovered that short conversations with strangers boost mood and happiness. To quote Sandstrom and Dunn, “Imagine a day that begins by greeting your regular barista at the local coffee shop. You get to work and run into a colleague who you have not seen for a while, and chat about your weekend. After work, you head to yoga class where you exchange pleasantries with the girl whose hair is always a different color. Walking home afterward, you stop to chat with the guy you always see walking the pug named Wilbur. None of these people play an important role in your life, and yet a day without these kinds of interactions seems a little emptier.” Research shows that these type of social interactions, which scientists call “weak ties” generate positive emotions and are mutually reinforcing. More importantly, these weak tie interactions contribute meaningfully to our daily happiness. 

In Dunn and Sandstrom’s study, they asked study participants to enter a busy coffee shop. Half were instructed to go in, grab their coffee and get out. The other half were instructed to strike up a conversation with the cashier. Participants who had a social interaction with a barista (i.e., smiled, made eye contact, and had a brief conversation) experienced more positive emotions and a lift in mood than those who didn’t. Further, they found evidence that these effects generated feelings of belonging. These results suggest that while our inner “Elaine” makes us reluctant to have a genuine social interaction with a stranger, we’re happier when we treat strangers like a friendly acquaintance. 

Now back to those who chose option C on the elevator. Can a brief smile (no chit-chat) make a difference? What about people who suffer from social anxiety? Nicholas Epley, a University of Chicago Booth behavioral scientist and author of Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want conducted a series of experiments with train and bus commuters. These people believed they preferred solitude to interacting with another commuter. Turns out they were wrong. They felt an increase in happiness just by exchanging a smile and eye contact. Epley and his subjects discovered that what causes us to keep to ourselves, is our fear that the person we're speaking to won't enjoy the interaction (and not it’s our preference to be left alone). When we smile and give a friendly 'hello', these social interactions with strangers are more fluid and enjoyable than we predict. Why? Because it’s a basic human need to be seen. I recall an episode of Oprah many years back when she was talking with formally homeless people. They said the worst part of being homeless was being invisible. Just a smile or eye contact made a significant difference to them. 

This idea is further supported by the work of Kipling Williams, a Purdue University psychologist who found that even brief eye contact can increase people’s sense of inclusion and belonging. 

So, if you want to be a little bit happier each day, consider saying "good morning" just a little more often when you step in an elevator or order your Grande Americano. 

Curious to know how your rate in social interactions and happiness? Contact me to take the EQ-i emotional intelligence self-assessment, susan@theeicoach.com www.theeicoach.com and discover simple strategies to increase your happiness, emotional and social well-being.

*Article research: Want To Feel Happier Today? Try Talking To A Stranger, by Paul Nicolaus July 26, 2019